School / finals is killin me. so much to do, so little time. See what happens when i procrastinate. :( oh well, lesson learned.... not really. haha.
okay whatever. fuck school.
Anyways, CHRISTMAS is around the corner! im so excited. i have yet to go shopping though. and shit, im already broke :( i need to stop buying stuff for myself. haha. Dec. 5 was my company's christmas party at Senor Frogs. I had a BOMB ASS time. :) Pictures! Before we went in. Us 4 were LATE cause we wanted to go shopping first. haha. Gah damn, he was hottt ;] Just the young ladies.
I had fun! oh wells, im out. got a shit load of homework to finish.
i want to leave, SO bad. but why does he always have to go to the point where im stuck with a decision to choose to care or not. see, i worry about him. but feelings are GONE. why is it so hard for him to fully understand this? why does he make me go through decisions, where i only tend to GIVE IN to him. i'm stuck, seriously. you see, i want to just be friend cause feelings are so... i dont even know where it went. but he pulls stunts that make me worry and i always end up giving in. what do i do when he threatens to kill himself, and all that bullshit? what do i do when i know he's really serious about those threats? shit im stuck cause its either stay and be miserable, stay and have to deal with his shit every damn time or leave and watch him do something like that. im stuck in a delima. but i know i'm supposed to do what makes ME happy. cause right now i'm miserable. feels like im only with him because i dont want him to do something stupid cause of me. i mean, am i wrong for stayin? or am i wrong for doing this? i really dont know what to do. why does he make this so hard on me? why doesn't he just accept what has happened between us? its pretty obvious that i havent been acting like i love this guy. and its been this way since about half a year ago. why am i holding on to something that's not good for me. im just stuck cause i want to leave but if i do, i could possibly loose him - physically. & i dont want that to happen. But all i know for sure is that i NEED to be away from him in order for me to fully realize what i want and who i want in my life.
"He done let me down a again, Thats odd. Always hurting me. He dont never stop. Must be something wrong with me, Im lost. Cause I cant quit letting him in my heart. How many times am I gonna let him apologize Before I realize. That he aint worth it, no. How many times he gone light me before I blow This is critical. Here I go.
Damn Im sick and tired of how he keep on lying. Damn Im sick and tired of feeling like Im dying. So, no more complaining. Either put up with it or let it go. Damn Im sick and tired of making up and breaking up. And Im over being alone when I wake up. So, no more complaining. Either put up with it or let it go.
I should be packing up again, Thats odd And this time I aint playing, Im a call it off I know I shouldnt want revenge But its a thought And maybe if I paid him back I could move on How many times am I gonna let him tear me down Let him hang around He aint worth it, no How many times he gone light me before I blow This is critical So here I go
Damn I wish I knew then What I know now Damn I wish I never given you the benefit of the doubt I cant believe Im going through this Boy you got me like whoa And all the dirty little secrets Now I know what youre all about Oh, and ooh ooh baby I think I done had enough I think its time that you go away I just cant take it I think I done had enough" -Mila J.
damn, it's about time i get myself out of the damn house. thanks diane :] my girlllll. i should def start gettin back in the scene. i miss it dammmn much. tonight was a good night ;] got to see familiar faces which made me happy :] made new friends, though i totally forgot all their names. omg so srry. haha. but i DO remember there were alot of people to stare at, if you know what i mean ;] dammmmn. especially this one dude. mmhm. i never wanted to leave, too bad i did though.
shit, right when things start to get fun someone goes on and ruins my every bit of fun. i know he don't even have the right to do this but he goes on and does! and i guess its my fault too cause i let him do that. i mean, it feels like everytime i try to go out and have my fun -- he goes and finds countless ways to ruin my every ounce of fun. Seriously. im so sick and tired of his bullshit and im finally tryin to rethink my situation with him. all i want to do is have fun, and i cant do that when im with him.
i want this to be over. why can't he understand that, and me MATURE about it? fuck, he's 20 and he still acts too damn immature. and im so disgusted and sick of having to "babysit" i know im better than that, and i deserve so much better. though, i find it so hard to get away from him cause he keeps tryin and tryin. "/
alright, so i know i said things i felt like i mean. but why is it that when he's finally letting go, i try coming back? its hard having to deal with all the bullshit he gives me. but in a way i feel like im being selfish because i want everything my way. i mean, is it wrong to expect so much out of somebody? am i wrong for wanting what i want. i mean, yeah. ive felt fed up with all the bullshit, and all of a sudden i feel like what i'm doin is wrong. maybe im just doubting myself, or maybe im just giving in again cause im too comfortable with him. maybe i still do love him? maybe i dont. i really dont know.
my girl mel tells me im lucky to have him chase after me after all the shit i do to him. after treating him like crap, and yellin for no apparent reason. i'm lucky that he's still willing to risk everything up just to be with me.. but see, i see her point of view. but she doesn't really understand where im comin from. yeah he's obviously SHOWS he cares, but sometimes too much is just too much. like the saying, if you hold onto something too tight, i'll just slip away.. that's how i feel. i feel like i was suffocating in a relationship, and i could barely breathe.
maybe i do really need my time for myself. though i find myself finding my way back to him. not cause he's there, but because i want him to. i'm stuck, and i really dont know what to do....
Hm. today wasn't so bad at all. I'm kinda loving the feelin of being free, ya know? I still got lots to work on cause im not "really" free yet. Though, I want to be. Hmmph "/ why is it so hard. I'm so ready to let it all go, thought he keeps holding me down. I try to escape but he keeps stringing me along this rocky messed up road that I don't wanna be in. It sucks having to hold back so much, when deep down inside I know im ready to let everything go. :(
other than that.. today was filled with many ups and downs. My night ended up real good though ;) mister pizzza delivery guy made my night. haha. well, sounds hella corny. Thanks chase for the free pizza delivery :] he's something to look at, I tell yuh. Haha. I don't know why Im too shy to kick it with him after countless times of bunking out on him. Oh mannnnn. this is funny. I should stop before something bad happens.
Finally, space. I needed this. I was sick of seeing you, being with you, dealing with you, and the list goes on. Don't take this to the heart, but im just sayin the truth. I felt like you were keeping me in a small little box and I couldn't breathe. We had too much of eachother, and you know that. Though you still tried over and over again to keep me locked in that little box. Now, I've finally realized im dont deserve that. At least not now. I was tired of dealing with the pain you brought me that I've become numb to everything. My feelings for you started to change because of this. Don't get me wrong, I had mad love for you fella. But see, if you hold on to something too tight, it ends up slipping away faster. The tighter and tighter you tried to hold on to me, the more and more I pushed you away.
I finally realize that i needed space, away from you. Though it took forever for you to finally understand, Im happier now. I needed this, and I hope you keep it this way.
"There are days when u wake up in the morning and thank God ur alive. Look around ur room and feel lucky u have material things and a roof over ur head. U get out of bed and realize that "Today is a new day." Another chance to make things better and do things differently.
Today isn't one of those days.
Sometimes u fall in love. And then the other person falls out of love. Sometimes u get hurt when u've done nothing wrong. Sometimes u trust the other person too much and plan ahead of urselves. Sometimes, after 10 years love isn't enough.
Sometimes u dream. And then sometimes u dream that u'll never wake up. Sometimes u get ur heart broken and while at times ur ok, and ur smiling, and ur laughing, and ur dancing, and ur drinking - most of the time ur dying inside.
Sometimes u tell urself it will be ok but then after Day 150 u have to start all over again. Sometimes u slip. Sometimes u walk backwards. Sometimes u keep ur head up high, watch beautiful blue waves crash over sand as fine as baby powder and tell urself ur stupid to be thinking of anything other than reapplying sunblock in 15 minutes while in paradise and then sometimes u come back down to Earth.
Sometimes u want to talk about it. Sometimes u even yell. But most of the time u just stay awake thinking of absolutely nothing ... or absolutely everything. Sometimes u try to write but ur hand starts to hurt or ur tears seep through the paper and mess up the ink. Sometimes u want to call ur best friend, ur new friend, or ur mom but u know u won't. Not just because 10 minutes later ur over it but because sometimes, they just can't be there for u. Which is ok. Because most of the time u don't want to be a burden. U don't want to rain on parades. U don't want to be unecessary stress.
But then u don't know what to do.
So sometimes u sing. Sometimes u write songs. Sometimes u post blogs when u know that u shouldn't spill ur soul to the world. Because sometimes people mistake this for wanting attention and needing people to feel sorry for u. Sometimes u don't want anyone knowing anything about u, and sometimes it's a cry for help. Almost always, u end up feeling stupid. So ur stuck. So while u may delete the blog, u don't regret it because it's exactly how u felt at a moment in ur life. So sometimes u just pretend. U pretend nothing in the world is bothering u. Sometimes u agree with what another person is saying just to make them happy and stop accusing u of feelings that u don't feel. Sometimes u just nod ur head and say "OK, yah ur right," just to shut them up.
And then there comes a time where u promise urself happiness. U plan out ur day on a wipeboard. U make appointments and lunch dates. U remind urself that u totally AREN'T "THIS" GIRL, and ur not ugly and ur not worthless, and u ARE good enough and ur fucking awesome. So u sign a contract with urself and are convinced all 5 points will be checked off within 30 days. Sometimes u even wear eyeliner to work (Because u think that if u have makeup on u'll be less prone to crying for fear of raccoon eyes) and flat iron ur hair. Sometimes u wear heels instead of Tims and tight fitting jeans instead of sweats and there's never a time when someone doesn't mutter under their breath, "U are beautiful." So sometimes u reply back to cute text messages with even cuter ones and let insignificant things become bigger in hopes that this time it will distract u. And then when that doesn't work, sometimes u go to the gym and feel wonderful and eat healthy but still sneak in molten lava cake on a Friday night. But sometimes, that's not enough.
It's never enough.
Sometimes u can make months of progress and throw it all away because u love someone too much and don't love urself enough. Sometimes u can't believe the things ur telling urself. Sometimes u can't believe the things people don't tell but think of u.
Sometimes it's so hard. Because most of the time ur making ur friends laugh so u feel like ur letting them down by being anything less than funny. Sometimes u want to give up, but u ALWAYS know that ur better than that.
And then in the back of ur mind for a split second ur think that u deserve better than him.
So u listen to Ne-Yo and Usher and Maroon 5 and even Kanyeezy. Sometimes u look extra cute to work. Sometimes u read every enouraging quote and repeat it to urself 5 times a day, make it ur headline, and write it on a post-it and stick it to ur computer monitor. Sometimes u have good days. Like seriously, an entire day without thinking negatively. Sometimes u even tell urself, "Oh they'll be back," or, "Karma is a bitch." But then the reality is. Sometimes people don't come begging for forgiveness. Sometimes people just don't care. Sometimes someone can just kick u to the curb after all u've done for them. Sometimes they move on without EVER looking back. Sometimes they won't fight for u, they won't make the effort.
'Cuz happily ever afters aren't guaranteed.
Sometimes u feel like an inconsiderate brat because there's so many bigger things going on in the world and ur wah-ing over missing the smell of someones neck, the feel of their strong arms around u, or the playful kisses of ur favorite pitbull. Somtetimes u can't FULLY appreciate a friend getting married or an elderly couple holding hands. Sometimes u feel resentful, NOT bitter towards others but resentful towards ur own self for thinking, "That should be me," when u see a happy family playing at the park. Sometimes u even feel selfish (When at all times there is nothing wrong with wanting more for urself) because u want to be there for other people, u want to pay attention, and u want to be comforting - and u do and u are, but most of the time while ur hearing ur not listening. And u feel horrible for that. Even more horrible than u already feel.
So sometimes amidst all the rants about "shit not being fair/never catching a break/how could u do this to me/how could i do this to myself," while u know its true u also know complaining about it won't bring u back on ur feet or that person back to u.
Alright, so today I was off so I didn't have anything today. Thank God i work at the bank. No work on the weekends :) Well I just went to pearlridge to do a little shopping, but sadly nothing there sparked my interest. So, i just bought food then brang my little ass back home. Stayed on this shit for a hella long time. Haha. but whatevers.
I just came home not too long ago though. I went back out to go meet up with a friend ;) if you know what i mean. haha. It's pretty funny this situation though, but i'd rather not explain it. yaknow?
